ATTACHED

by Amir Levine & Rachel Heller12 min read | April 04, 2020

Are you anxious, Avoidant or Secure? The science of adult attachment (romance) and how it can help you find and keep love.

KEY TAKEAWAYS

Main attachment styles based on attachment theory -

Secure
Insecure
Avoidant

QUOTES ❝

"All happiness or unhappiness solely depends upon the quality of the object to which we are attached by love." -Baruch Spinoza

RULE OF THUMB 👍

Don’t lose sight of the fact that your attachment needs are legitimate. You shouldn’t feel bad from depending on the person you are closest to. It is part of your genetic makeup.
Don't rely on one symptom for various signs. It is the whole picture that tells the story.
Listen to what he/she is NOT saying or doing. He or she may say the right things at times but his or her actions tell a different story. People's response to effective communication is always very telling. It either allows you to avoid getting involved in a dead-end relationship OR it helps bring the relationship to a deeper level.
It's important to remember that even with effective communication some problems won't be solved immediately. What's vital is your partner's response whether he/she is concerned about your well-being, has your best interest in mind, and is willing to work on things. This is also a green light when considering going forward with a relationship with someone new.
Don't expect your partner to know what you are thinking. If you haven't told him/her what's on your mind, she/he doesn't know.
If however your partner tries to evade important topics, acts defensively, or makes you feel foolish or needy, you should heed it as a SERIOUS warning sign.
Secures, you can turn into an insecure 😟
Access how preoccupied they are with the relationship and how sensitive they are to the rejection.

AVOIDANTS

Observations 👀

Avoidant's don't date each other.
When you meet someone new, the probability of them having avoidant attachment style is high, much higher than their relative size in the population.
Not only are the avoidant recycled back into the dating pool quickly but they are not dating one another, at least not for long.
They see the worm instead of the Apple.

Smoking Guns 🧨

Sends Mixed messages about his/her feelings towards you or his/her commitment to you.
Avoidants do not seek intimacy and closeness.
Longs for an ideal relationship but gives subtle hints that it would not be with you.
Desperate wants to meet the ONE but somehow always finds some fault in the other person or in the circumstances that makes commitment impossible.
Disregards your emotional well-being and when confronted continues to disregard it.
Suggests that you are too needy, sensitive, or overreacting thus invalidating your feelings and making you second guess yourself.
Your messages don't get across. Despite your best efforts to communicate your needs he/she doesn't seem to get the message or else ignores it.

Tips 💁‍♂️

If you are avoidant, the first step is to acknowledge your need for space whether emotional or physical when things get too close and then learn how to communicate that need. Explain to your partner in advance that you need some time alone when you feel things getting too mushy and that it's not a problem with him or her but rather your own need in any relationship. This should quell their worries and somewhat calm their attachment systems.

SECURES

Observations 👀

Not preoccupied with Relationships
Not fearing to remain alone and never finding someone despite disappointments.
Doesn't embellish romantic history.
Comes forth clean and lays all cards on the table.
Expressing feelings early on is typically a secure trait.
Acts in a genuine manner.
People with secure attachment styles are less likely to play games. Game playing is a deal-breaker.
Secure people do not have too many negative feelings about the partners with whom a relationship didn't work out.
If a partner treats a secure person disrespectfully, it's indicative of the partner’s inability to be responsive in a relationship and not of their worth.
In case of doubts, one of the tools most frequently used by people with a secure attachment style is effective communication. They simply surface their feelings and see how their date reacts. If their partner shows true concern for their well being and a willingness to find a middle ground they'll give the relationship a chance. If not they won't stick around to fight for what they believe to be a losing battle.

Word of Caution 😷

Why people with a secure attachment style may stick around for too long in a bad relationship (based on attachment theory)

People with secure attachment styles view their partners well being as their responsibility. As long as they have a reason to believe their partner is in some sort of trouble they will continue to back him/her. People with secure attachment styles are more likely to forgive their partners for their wrongdoing.
The good news is that people with a secure attachment style have a healthy instinct and usually catch on very early that someone is not cut out to be their partner. The bad news is that on occasion when secure people do enter into a negative relationship they might not know when to call it quits. Especially if it is a long term committed relationship in which they feel responsible for their partner's happiness.

Tips💁‍♂️

Just because secure people can get along with anyone, doesn't mean you have to. If you are unhappy after having tried every way to make things work, chances are you should move on. It's in your best interest to end a dysfunctional relationship rather than get stuck forever with the wrong person just because you are secure.
It is better to find a way to heal the wounds and maintain hope that there are other people out there who share your need for intimacy and closeness. You can be happy again.
Research on attachment repeatedly shows that when you need for intimacy is met and reciprocated by your partner your satisfaction level will rise.
Incongruent intimacy needs on the other hand usually translate into substantially lower satisfaction.

CONFLICTS 🔥

*There are 2 Types of Conflicts:Bread & Butter conflicts and Intimacy Conflicts.*

Conflict strategies to avoid 💩

Getting sidetracked from the real problem.
Neglecting to effectively communicate your feelings and needs.
Reverting to personal attacks and destructiveness.
Reacting tit for tat to a partner's negativity with more negativity.
Withdrawing (or worst -Stonewalling 😨).
Forgetting to focus on the other's well being.

Secure Principles for resolving conflict 🧯

Show basic concern for the other person's well being.
Maintain focus on the problem at hand.
Refrain from generalizing the conflict.
Be willing to engage.
Effectively communicate feelings and needs.

BREAKING UP 😔

The following 9 strategies using attachment principles will help you get through the painful experience of ending a relationship

Ask yourself what life is like for you in the inner circle. If you can't decide to break up, ask yourself if you are treated like royalty or the enemy. If you are the enemy, it's time to go.
Build a support network ahead of time. Start to open up to friends and family about what your relationship is really like. This may rekindle friendship you might have neglected due to shame or misery and will also prepare them to help you when you make your move.
Find a comforting supportive place to stay for the first few nights. You will need all the support you can get at first. The temptation to rebound is very strong. Parents, siblings, and closest friends can help you control that urge.
Get your attachment needs met in other ways. Recruit support from the people closest to you and seek diversions like massage, plenty of exercise, and comforting healthy food. The more you can quiet down your attachment system, the less painful the separation will be.
Don't be ashamed if you slip up and go back to the scene of the crime. The worse you feel about yourself the more you'll want to go back to the false safety of the bad relationship that you were in. Your attachment system gets activated more when you feel bad about yourself.
If you are having a hard time don't feel guilty. Remember the pain is real so don't deny it. Instead be kind to yourself and find ways to pamper your body and soul.You would if you had a broken leg.
When you get flooded with positive memories, ask a close friend for a reality check. Remind yourself that your attachment system is distorting your perspective on the relationship.
Deactivate. Write down all the reasons you wanted to leave. Take a peek at the list when those invasive positive memories creep into mind.
Know that no matter how much pain you are going through now, it will pass. Most people recover very well from a broken heart and eventually, move on to greener pastures.

FINDING THE RIGHT PARTNER🔦

Spotting smoking guns very early on and treating them as deal-breakers.
Effectively communicating your needs from day one ☝️
Subscribing to the belief that there are many (Yes MANY) potential partners who could make you happy.
Never taking blame for a date's offensive behavior. When a partner acts inconsiderately or hurtfully, secures acknowledge that it says a lot about the other person rather than about themselves.
Expecting to be treated with respect, dignity, and love.

BE A SECURE BASE FOR YOUR PARTNER⛰

Be Available: Respond sensitively to their distress. Allow them to be dependent on you when they feel the need. Check-in with them from time to time and provide comfort when things go wrong.
Don't interfere. Provide behind the scenes support for their endeavors. Help them in a way that leaves them with the initiative and the feeling of power. Allow them to do their own thing without trying to take over the situation. Micromanage or undermine their confidence and abilities.
Encourage: Provide encouragement and be accepting of their learning and personal growth goals. Boost their self-esteem.